Petrichor
by Suituuup
Summary: Beca wants to scream, let the world know how wrong this feels. How she can't imagine being Beca without Chloe in her life. How she will never be okay in her life again if Chloe is not a part of it. Trigger warning: Major character death and terminal illness.


**I'm sorry. Hope you'll forgive me.**

 **For the sake of the story, I made a slight alteration to what we know about Beca's parents.**

* * *

 _petrichor (noun): a distinctive scent, usually described as earthy, pleasant, or sweet, produced by rainfall on very dry ground_

* * *

There are several things that never fail to remind Beca of Chloe: hearing _Titanium_ on the radio, coming across rainbow skittles in the store, running her fingers through the sand, and the smell of rain in the summer.

The things that Chloe loves.

Correction: lov _ed_.

It's been fourteen months.

Beca has yet to get used to the gaping hole in her chest.

She has yet to use the past tense when it comes to Chloe.

But that would mean that Chloe is really gone, and that's something she's not ready to accept, yet.

/

It starts with bruises appearing on Chloe's body, once in a while.

Beca teases her (she knows how clumsy Chloe can be) and asks her if they should baby proof their home.

She gets dizzy when she stands up. Beca smiles and tells her she shouldn't get up so fast.

She gets out of breath really quickly and her body gets stiff and cracks whenever she works out. Beca calls her a grandma.

It stops being funny or endearing when Beca gets a message after a session in the studio (her phone is always on silent mode during those) a few weeks later.

The person on the phone is Coleen, one of Chloe's colleagues whom Beca has met a handful times at Chloe's school Halloween, Christmas and of end-of-the-year parties.

She says something about Chloe fainting in class. Beca's fingers grip the phone harder as Coleen tells her in a panicky voice that they have called an ambulance and Chloe is being taken to the hospital.

Beca throws her phone in her purse, shouts something to her assistant, and runs to her car.

Chloe is sitting on a hospital bed when she gets there. She's dressed in the clothes she was wearing this morning when she left their apartment, and no machine is hooked to her, so Beca takes that as a good sign.

She still hugs Chloe for dear life and tells her how scared she was. Chloe reassures with a smile and a chaste kiss, stating she feels fine, now.

"They, uh, drew some blood and ran a couple tests," she explains as Beca sits on the edge of the bed next to her. Chloe slips her hand into Beca and gives it a squeeze. "I should be discharged in a little while. I probably overdid it somehow."

The curtain is pulled back and a male doctor in his fifties leads them to a private room. He tells them he wants to run a few more thorough tests before he lets Chloe go.

Those tests include a bone marrow biopsy and Beca feels her eyes widen, an icy chill running down her spine.

He says he suspects leukemia, given the abnormal white cell count in Chloe's blood. Beca suddenly feels dizzy, taken with the sudden urge to throw up. She wills herself not to jump to any hasty conclusion and helps Chloe slip on a hospital gown, palpable tension dawning around them.

She holds Chloe's hand minutes later, as her girlfriend lies on her side with her knees drawn to her chest. A needle is inserted in her spine and while the procedure looks extremely painful, Chloe doesn't really show it. Her hand simply grips Beca's a little bit harder, and Beca rubs her thumb across her knuckles, leaning in to press her lips to Chloe's forehead in wordless comfort.

/

Stage IV leukemia.

The wind is knocked out of Beca's lungs and it's starting to become difficult for her to breathe. The doctor goes on in medical terms that Beca can't really apprehend over the insistant buzzing in her ears. She hears the words, but her brain is not able to process them properly.

It sounds foreign to her, impossible even, that Chloe, _her_ Chloe has cancer. The math doesn't add up, it can't be _right._

"How long?"

Chloe's voice is calm and steady, and it makes Beca's head whip around to stare at her in bewilderment. Chloe's face doesn't give any emotion away as she stares at the doctor for an answer to her question, gaze unwavering.

Beca glances down to notice the slight shake of Chloe's fingers as they rest on her thigh. She reaches over and wraps her own around them to still Chloe's uncontrolled movements, all the while berating herself for not doing it sooner.

"We're not there. Chemotherapy has shown to be successful, even at that stage. We can also look into bone marrow transplant."

"Test me now," Beca demands, letting go of Chloe's hand to roll her sleeve up and have them draw blood. She doesn't like the sight of blood and is most likely to faint, but that is now the farthest concern on her mind. Chloe stops her with a gentle touch to her arm.

"We will, soon. Like everyone in your family and circle of family willing to become a donor. We'll also put you on the transplant list, Ms. Beale."

Chloe nods, falling silent as she fastens her eyes on her lap. Beca knows Chloe's mind is reeling with questions that she is afraid to ask. She eventually swallows her own nausea and steps up; asking the doctor all the questions she can come up with, from the effects of leukemia, to when Chloe will be starting chemo.

"I'm, uh, I'm going to call my parents," Chloe says as soon as they step inside their apartment after a silent drive back from the hospital.

They moved in together just a few months ago, the biggest step to date in their two-year-relationship. After being best friends for years, Beca found the strength to ask Chloe out one night and that was the best decision she ever made. They have started to make a decent and cozy home out of the small, two-bedroom apartment on the outskirts of LA.

Beca hesitates, not sure if she should give Chloe time to herself or if she wants Beca to come with.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, I'll be fine," Chloe smiles at her and gives her a quick, reassuring kiss. "Why don't you get started on dinner? I'll only be a few minutes."

Beca nods, feeling her insides slowly cave in upon hearing the break in Chloe's voice. "Yeah, okay."

She walks to the kitchen after kicking off her shoes, and opens the fridge to start pulling contents out and set them on the counter. She can feel the emotions she tried to suppress bubble inside her chest, screaming to get out as she grips the edge of the counter, bending at the waist in an attempt to tame the sobs itching to escape at the base of her throat.

She will _not_ cry. Chloe has enough shit to sort through to have to take care of Beca, too. Beca is supposed to be the strong one for Chloe, not the other way around.

"Baby,"

Chloe's expression softens as she sets her phone down on the table and comes to a stop in front of her. Beca's breath catches in her throat, shaky hand flying up to try and contain the sob.

"Hey," Chloe whispers, wrapping her arms around Beca's shoulder to tug her in a loose embrace. Beca tucks her head in the crook of Chloe's neck, stepping as close to Chloe as she possibly can, seeking comfort she knows words can't provide.

"I'm sorry," Beca mumbles against Chloe's skin. She pulls away and wipes her runny nose on her sleeve while dipping her head down, away from Chloe's genuinely-concerned gaze. "I shouldn't be like this, I should be strong for you and-"

"No, it's okay," Chloe murmurs softly, running her hand down Beca's arm until she's linked their fingers. "You should never have to hide your emotions for my sake, Beca. Besides, I'm going to fight this thing. It's going to take more than that to bring me down, y'know."

Of course Chloe Beale would say that. She is the most determined and driven person Beca knows, and she embraces life like nobody else does. This massive curve ball isn't going to bring her down.

If anyone could beat cancer, it was _Chloe_.

Beca puffs out a breath and nods several times, blinking the unshed tears away.

"I know. I'm sorry."

Chloe shakes her head with a gentle smile that warms Beca's insides and puts them back together. "Stop apologizing, sweetie," she laughs curtly, then leans in to kiss the corner of Beca's mouth. "I love you."

Beca takes a deep breath and releases it slowly, her shoulders slumping as the anxiety slowly lifts away from them to vanish in thin air. "I love you, too."

/

Beca's brain takes a little while to catch up on the previous night's events as her eyes blink open the next morning.

She glances to the side and finds Chloe sound asleep, chest rising and falling steadily as she lies on her side, one arm tucked under her head while her other is draped over Beca's midsection.

Beca turns, placing both hands under her cheek as her eyes focus on her girlfriend's peaceful features.

The small scar on her forehead that Beca likes to trace with her thumb but refrains to do so right now as to not wake Chloe up. Her long eyelashes, that Chloe likes to bat exaggeratedly whenever she wants something from Beca (it works every time). Her high cheekbones that tint ever so slightly with every compliment. Her lips, that Beca cannot describe in so few words.

Chloe's nose wrinkles in an adorable grimace, as if sensing Beca's attention on her. Her eyes slide open, still hazy with sleep.

"How long have you been staring at me?" she asks in a tiny laugh, voice raw. Beca blinks out of her daze. "It's kind of creepy."

She says it with a smile that indicates it doesn't really bother her, and Beca shrugs.

"Sorry. Just captivated by my girlfriend's beauty."

"Beca," Chloe almost whines, angling her face so that it's hidden in the pillow, shielded from Beca's unwavering eyes.

While she seems to be all about confidence and bubbliness on the outside, the Chloe behind closed doors prefers to shrink away from the attention. Beca was surprised the first time Chloe shied away from a compliment. It opened a new window of trust to their relationship, where Chloe opened up about her insecurities regarding her looks and her body. Beca was quick to convince her otherwise, but old habits die hard.

"What?" Beca leans closer, brushing her lips at the corner of Chloe's mouth. She rubs her nose in the nook of her cheek, an habit of hers she knows Chloe can't resist. "It's the truth."

"You're such a sap," Chloe rasps out, turning her head just enough to give Beca a morning kiss. "Good morning,"

Beca rubs her nose against Chloe's, eliciting a sigh from her. "Morning."

It's seven a.m., and Beca should be getting up to get ready for work. But it's raining outside, the pitter-patter of the rain steady as it hits the window, and all she wants is to pull the blanket over their heads and cuddle with Chloe all day long.

Beca kisses her again, all the while reaching behind her to grab her phone off the bedside table. Chloe isn't going to work today because of the medical procedure she went through the day before, and Beca simply doesn't want to leave her side.

"What are you doing?" Chloe asks quietly, laying her head over Beca's shoulder as she scrolls through her contacts.

"Taking a day off."

" _Today?_ Why?"

Beca momentarily looks at her, and shrugs. "I'd rather have a Netflix and Cuddles rain-day with you than dealing with picky artists."

The truth is, up until yesterday, Beca saw herself grow old together with Chloe, hitting all the life journey stops together; moving-in, getting married, having kids, grandkids.

It sounded simple. Chloe was it for her and vise-versa.

She never thought about the exterior factors; about how they didn't have a say on certain things. Life suddenly seems too delicate and fragile to take anything for granted.

So if she wants to stay in to spend the day with Chloe, Beca decides she will, no matter the consequences that it might cause in her workplace. Her career seems almost trivial, now.

Chloe hums just as Beca puts the phone to her ear. "I feel _so_ special."

Beca rolls her eyes for show. "Are you complaining?"

Chloe sinks her teeth down in her bottom lip before she gives Beca a coy smile, followed by a quick kiss that has Beca hum in delight.

"Never."

/

Chloe starts chemo like a champ. She goes there three times a week after school. Sometimes Beca can stay with her for sessions, but it's hard for her to make time with her busy schedule, and Chloe insists it's okay.

Chloe seems to be handling it exceptionally well, given the circumstances, until the first sign of treatment shows up.

Beca hears her crying in the bathroom when she comes home from the studio. Panic gripping her limbs, and already bracing herself for terrible news, she power-walks to the ensuite, faltering in the doorway. Chloe is holding on a chunk of red hair that has fallen out, hand shaking slightly and eyes swimming with tears.

The sob that wrenches from her throat sends a shooting pain right to Beca's chest.

"Hey, It's okay," she murmurs, wrapping her arms around Chloe's torso as she comes to a stop by her side. Chloe's eyes find her, lost and perplexed, silently asking Beca why this is happening to her. "It's alright, baby. It's just hair."

They both know it's more than just hair. It's the first, concrete proof to the outside world that Chloe is sick. That the medicine supposed to kill the cancer also kills every good cell in her body.

Chloe refuses to have it fall out little by little. Later that day, they buy what they need at the store, and Beca shaves Chloe's head above their bathroom sink.

"All done," she says as she turns the clippers off, setting it on the counter. She lies her hands on Chloe's upper arms and tucks her chin in the space between her shoulder and neck. "You look beautiful."

Chloe reaches out to grasp Beca's hand as they lock eyes through the mirror. Chloe's baby blues pop out even more than before and Beca feels enthralled by their intensity, but also troubled by the fear blinking back at her.

It reflects her own.

"I love you."

"I love you, too," Chloe leans back against her, turning her head lightly so they can share a kiss. "Thank you for doing this."

Chloe starts to wear bandanas from that day on, claiming wigs are too hot and heavy for this time of the year.

They are colorful, either with flowers or animals on it and are very Chloe. Beca often finds herself tying them at the back for her, in the morning before Chloe goes to school.

After six months of chemo, Chloe's white cell count is almost next to normal, and they are both sucked into a sliver of hope.

They even indulge themselves in a glass of wine after Chloe's blood test results come back and her doctor says things are looking up.

It almost feels like they could beat this thing and leave this shitty year behind them.

Almost.

It all comes crashing down that night in mid-February, two months later. Chloe wakes up and sways towards the bathroom on shaky legs, slapping both hands over the door frame to keep herself from collapsing. Beca wakes up to the sound of retching and is up and running, even though her limbs are still caught up with sleep and make her stumble.

"Chlo," she chokes out, running the back of her hand over Chloe's forehead the second she's knelt by her on the cool tile floor. Chloe's skin is burning hot, and her eyes are glazed over when she glances up at Beca. An ice cold chill runs down the whole length of Beca's spine as Chloe gets into a coughing fit, some blood getting mixed up in her spit.

Beca dashes back to the bedroom to snatch her phone off the bedside table.

" _911, what's your emergency?"_

"Yes, I-I need an ambulance. My girlfriend she-" Beca swallows. "she has leukemia and is running a high fever. She-she coughed up some blood."

After giving the dispatcher their address and ending the call, Beca moves to the sink and runs a cloth under cold water. She folds it in half and drapes it over the back of Chloe's neck before kneeling back next to her and gathering her into her arms.

Chloe leans heavily against her, sucking in huge gushes of air without seemingly being able to draw enough into her lungs. Each wheeze being dragged out of her shakes Beca to the core.

She wishes she could take Chloe's pain away by bearing it on her own shoulders, even for just a few minutes if it means giving her girlfriend even just a short moment of reprieve. Chloe's increasingly exhausted body slumps against Beca's side as she slips in and out of consciousness.

"Hey," Beca whispers against her forehead as her hand rubs soothing circles along the small of her back. Her other hand comes up to cup Chloe's cheek, tilting her face up to meet her half-open eyes. "You have to try and stay awake, okay? At least until the ambulance gets here."

Chloe's breathing whistles as she inhales, and Beca winces at the sound. "M'okay."

She loses consciousness over the ride to the hospital. She's immediately taken into urgent care, while Beca is asked to remain in the waiting room, where she spends the next half-hour pacing and chewing on her nails. She quickly talks to Chloe's parents over the phone, who tell her they will be on the next plane to LA.

When she's finally allowed to see Chloe, it's in a room on the ICU floor. Chloe has contracted severe pneumonia and had to have the liquid around her lungs drained.

Beca falters in the doorway as she takes in Chloe's state. She looks so small and vulnerable in the large hospital bed. A bunch of wires are hooked to her body and a mask is resting over her mouth. It makes Chloe's breathing sound even more wheezy. A needle attached to a tube is sticking out of the side of her sternum, wrapped in gauze.

Beca steps into the room more fully, letting the door flap behind her. Sitting on the stool by the bed, she grasps Chloe's hand and drops a kiss across her knuckles. The touch wakes Chloe from her slumber, confused and fuzzy orbs focusing on Beca.

"Hey," she whispers, not trusting her voice should she speak louder. "Are you in pain?"

Chloe's head-shake is faint and barely there. She manages to smile sleepily from underneath the mask. Beca figures it's the morphine they gave her that makes her so sleepy.

Beca attempts to give her a reassuring smile back, but she's knows it comes out strained; giving away the fear that has taken over her mind and body. Chloe blinks again, reaching to hold her side where they performed the procedure. Beca wraps her fingers around Chloe's, drawing them away from the wound as she relays to Chloe what the doctors told her.

Beca lifts their joined hands and brushes another kiss in the curve of her palm, letting her lips linger against warm skin for a beat or two, while her eyes remain locked with Chloe's pale blue ones.

"'m tired, Bec."

"Rest, okay?" she says, brushing her thumb over Chloe's eyebrow, fingertips tracing the outline of her jaw before she retracts them. She tries to ignore the little voice in her head that tells her this is the beginning to the end. She's not ready for that. There's no way she ever will. "I'm not going anywhere."

The news drop in the morning. Chloe's immune system is barely functioning and chemo isn't working against such an advanced stage of leukemia.

Six months to a year, unless they find a match soon.

Beca wants to scream, let the world know how wrong this feels.

How Chloe doesn't deserve any of this.

How Chloe is the definition of life; pure and shining and innocent. How she is the best kind of human being there is; selfless and empathetic, always moving mountains to please people and make sure her loved ones are happy.

How she is the sunshine of Beca's life and the anchor that kept her grounded through all the curveballs that were thrown at her the last few years.

How Beca can't imagine being Beca without Chloe.

Beca wants to scream, but her voice is nowhere within reach; her tongue feels like sandpaper, harsh and raw against her palet.

She has never wished her phone to ring as much as she does when they get home, and during the months that follow. She wants to be told that they found a match, that Chloe will be able to have a transplant, that this nightmare will soon be behind them.

The phone never rings.

Chloe is slowly slipping away, and there's nothing Beca can do about it.

/

She wakes up a few months later in the middle of the night, from a nightmare that felt a little bit too real. Heartbeat still hammering in her ears, Beca's eyes frantically search for her other-half. Chloe is nowhere in sight, and the cold sheets tell Beca it's been so for a while.

Padding to the kitchen, she finds Chloe sat at the island, reading a piece of paper. There's a shoe box open on the table and photographs scattered over the wooden surface. Beca recognizes the box as being the one that holds various memories from Chloe's seven years at Barden.

Beca frowns and comes to stand next to her, fingertips brushing over the Bella scarf lying on the table.

"Chloe," she breathes out, running her hand over Chloe's short hair, and the smooth skin of Chloe's upper back in a soothing manner, while the other rubs the remains of sleep from her eyes. The list Chloe is holding is unfamiliar. "What is this?"

"I found my-my bucket list from my last senior year at Barden," Chloe explains quietly, orbs locked on the sheet of paper, shiny with restrained tears. "I've done so _little_."

Bitterness settles in Beca's mouth. She tries to swallow it, but it gets stuck by the lump forming in her throat. Chloe starts reading it out before words can reach Beca's tongue.

"Learning how to play an instrument. Swimming with turtles. Skydiving. Kissing you in front of the Eiffel Tower," Chloe goes on, listing the other items on her list, until her voice breaks over the last item on the list. "Starting a family with you."

A sob catches in her throat, and she tries to muffle it with her hand, but it has already escaped, reverberating between Beca's ribs and splitting her heart into two.

She wants it too. So fucking much. And she never thought she would; get married or have kids. It was never a plan in her life before Chloe happened.

Her life before Chloe almost sounds foreign now, as though it held but little meaning before Chloe barged into it, tearing down Beca's walls brick by brick and giving her the faith Beca didn't know she needed to follow her dreams.

Her emotional strength thins with each sob that wrenches itself from Chloe's insides. She feels utterly powerless against Chloe's pain, unable to find any words in her registry that can take it away or even lessen it. Beca holds Chloe tight through her breakdown, settling for giving her silent comfort instead. Chloe fingers clutch her shirt by her hip, as if to anchor herself.

It takes long minutes, but eventually Beca feels Chloe's body relax, her sobs turning into hiccups and short gasps.

"I'm sorry," Beca says softly a little while later, pulling away to hold Chloe's jaw gently. Chloe's puzzled eyes follow hers, eyebrows knitting together. "I wish- I wish I could take away your pain, I wish I could do something to make this fucked-up disease go away,"

She sighs in frustration, closing her eyes briefly. Chloe's fingers circles her wrist, thumb repeatedly brushing over Beca's skin.

"I wish I fucking knew what to say-"

"Bec, stop," Chloe interrupts with a calm expression that makes Beca clamp her mouth shut. She knew she shouldn't have said anything, that it would only make things worse. "Are you listening to yourself? I don't think you realize how amazing you've been to me through all of this. You've been my rock this last year and-" she pauses to swallow with difficulty. "and while I thought I could beat this thing, karma chose otherwise."

Chloe draws in a shaky breath, a few tears spilling out of the corner of her eyes when she closes them, matching the ones already running down Beca's cheeks.

"I'm scared, I'm so _fucking_ scared but... having you by my side makes it less so. Believe me when I tell you that you are doing everything I could wish you to do. I feel incredibly loved and safe just through the way you look at me or hold me. Please don't ever feel like what you're doing is not enough, because it _is_."

Beca lets Chloe's words drive away the bottled-up guilt and nods, closing the gap between them to kiss her. "I love you."

Chloe smiles against her mouth, giving in to another chaste kiss. "I love you, too, Bec."

"Now about that bucket list," Beca ponders after a minute, opting for a lighter subject. She reaches up to dry her cheeks and moves behind Chloe, setting her chin on her shoulder to be able to look at the list. "You can't tell me that the Chloe Beale from senior year only had sappy stuff on here?"

Chloe feigns a gasp that has Beca chuckling. "What is that supposed to mean, Mitchell?"

"You have to have wild stuff on here, too, right?"

She sees Chloe hesitate, before she lets out a resigned sigh and flips the page over. Beca's eyes skim over the page, eyes widening over some of the ideas.

She snickers, coming around Chloe to take the list from her fingers. " _Now_ we're talking."

Red rushes to meet Chloe's cheeks as she bites on her bottom lip. "Bec,"

"Okay, there is some kinky stuff on here that really concern me and some stuff that we've already done and you haven't even had the courtesy to tick off, which I'm slightly offended by."

Chloe giggles, reaching for the pot of pencils resting in the corner. She hands it to Beca, who smirks as she takes a pen between her fingers.

She ticks off about half the items on the list, raising an impressive eyebrow at some of the things while Chloe laughs quietly beside her.

"You've never received a lap dance?"

Chloe shrugs. "Nope."

"Well, this _has_ to be altered." She says, capping the pen and tossing it away as she kisses Chloe with a little bit more force than before, drawing out a moan from her girlfriend. "Go sit on the couch."

Chloe backs away, both eyebrows nearly raised to her hairline. " _Now?_ "

Beca hums in the affirmative, taking her hand to pull her to her feet. Soon, the first notes of _The Way you Make Me Feel_ fill their living room and Chloe lets out a tiny squeal of excitement.

Beca wishes she wore something sexier than her current sleep attire -a simple grey tee and black sleep shorts- but from the way Chloe stares at her from her spot on the couch, she knows it will do the trick.

She moves as flawlessly as she can to the beat, while still having some awkward Beca moments ( _e.g.,_ getting her a loose thread of her shirt stuck in one of her piercings and clumsily wiggling herself out of the situation).

By the end of the song, Chloe is both red in the face from silent laughter and (hopefully) arousal, while Beca straddles her lap.

"God, baby," she husks out, giggles still fresh on her tongue as she cups Beca's face brush her lips along Beca's. "That was really hot."

"Glad I delivered," Beca replies, hooking her hands behind Chloe's neck to keep her close as she nips at her bottom lip. Chloe grips her hips and rocks hers, drawing a whimper out of Beca's mouth at the friction it causes against her center. Beca groans, wrenching her mouth from Chloe's to rest her forehead against hers. "Chlo."

Their intimate life had been put on hold since Chloe's hospital trip three months ago and the news that followed. Chloe's degrading health has taken a toll on her overall energy and libido.

But tonight, it feels as though they are able to forget about it for a little while, just long enough to be one of those young couples in love; carefree and lighthearted.

"I've missed this, having you like this," Chloe admits, voice thick with something that Beca can't quite place but that has her stomach clench in anticipation. Her lips ghost over Beca's skin; down her jaw and along the curve of her neck and Beca gets lost in a rhythm that brings her embarrassingly fast to the edge. Chloe's hand travels down, slipping under the material of her shorts and touching Beca exactly where she needs in order to reach bliss. "Are you close, baby?"

Beca nods as she pants into Chloe's neck, her hips pressing down on Chloe's fingers. "Fuck, Chlo. I..."

Chloe's teeth graze her ear as her fingers curl inside Beca, reaching a spot that has a white light flashing behind Beca's eyelids. "Let go, baby."

Beca gasps as her orgasm rushes through her in waves, body tensing then sagging into Chloe's. Chloe presses gentle kisses to her cheek, nose and forehead as she comes down from her high, breath coming out ragged against Chloe's neck.

"I love you," Chloe murmurs into her hair, her hand rubbing up and down Beca's back.

"I've missed you," Beca whispers back across her skin once she has regained some sort of strength in her body. She lifts her head, capturing Chloe's mouth in a searing kiss.

Chloe moans, a shudder coursing through her body when Beca's hand finds its way past the elastic of her sweatpants. "Beca."

Beca pauses, retracting her hand to seek Chloe's eyes. "We don't have to if you don't want to."

"I do, I just..."

She knows from Chloe's tone that she's feeling self-conscious about this, about being intimate with Beca after such a long-time spent not desiring it at all. Her body has changed; it's become thinner and she isn't a fit as she used to be. Her skin has lost its usual glow and smoothness.

But Beca doesn't care about any of that. The amount of love she holds in her heart for Chloe and her attraction to her hasn't wavered through her illness and its physical side-effects. Chloe is still the most beautiful human-being she's laid eyes on, and Beca intends to convince her of that very fact.

"You are so beautiful," Locking eyes with her, Beca watches the effect her words have on them. The doubt is replaced by appreciation. Beca kisses the outline of her jaw as she prompts Chloe to lay down on the surface of the couch, bracing her weight on her elbows so she doesn't crush her. Chloe inhales sharply as Beca's lips travel down her covered chest and stomach. She pauses just below her navel, Chloe's muscles dancing under her lips. "Let me make you feel good."

She waits for Chloe's nod before hooking her fingers into the waistband of her pajamas to slide them down her legs, along with her panties.

The sounds that leave Chloe's mouth with the first swipe of her tongue fuel Beca's desire to do just so; to make Chloe feel just as she made Beca feel a few minutes ago: as though she is the only person on the planet worthy to her eyes and of her attention.

Chloe's back curves off the couch, and Beca feels her fingers comb through her hair, scraping her scalp, encouraging her motions.

"Bec," she whimpers, stilling for a second. Beca pauses and looks up. "Come here, come back to me."

Beca nods, kissing her way back up as her hand swiftly replaces her mouth. She chases Chloe's lips, alternating between nips and lazy strokes of the tongue, swallowing Chloe's moan when her fingers glide inside her.

"Beca," Chloe gasps, hips meeting each of Beca's thrusts. "I..."

"I'm here," Beca swallows, momentarily forgetting how to breathes as she watches Chloe get closer to her release, suddenly captivated by her beauty. Chloe's eyes slip shut and a throaty moans escapes her parted lips, her head pressing against the arm of the couch as she clenches and pulses around Beca's fingers. Beca kisses the column of her throat, gently pulling out and stroking her down. "I'm here, baby."

Silent tears slip out of Chloe's eyes, running down her temples to land on the couch. Beca kisses her chin, then the corner of her mouth, and finally her lips.

"We should go to bed," she says gently a few minutes later as she feels Chloe's body slumping against hers. Chloe makes a non-committal sound, lids heavy as she turns her head into Beca's shoulder. Beca reaches out to brush a few strands of hair from her forehead. "Want me to carry you?"

Chloe nods faintly, and Beca peels herself away from her side to stand up, testing the steadiness of her limbs before she bends down, hooking an arm behind Chloe's knees while the other supports her back.

She tries not to dwell too much on how light Chloe feels in her arms as she walks to the bedroom. Lying Chloe down on the mattress, Beca pulls the covers to her chin and rounds the bed to slide in next to her.

Chloe immediately curls against her side, lifting her head so that Beca can wrap her arm around her back.

"Thank you," Chloe says, and Beca knows it's not just about tonight.

She hums in reply, pressing a kiss to Chloe's hair. "Get some sleep, okay? You'll need it if you want cross some more things off your bucket list tomorrow." Chloe's snicker makes Beca replay her own words in her head. She chuckles. "I meant the PG-13 one, you dirty little bird."

She feels Chloe's giggle vibrate against her side. "Sure," Chloe's lips are warm against her skin as she kisses her shoulder. "Goodnight, Bec."

Beca's fingers drift up and down Chloe's arm as she stares at the ceiling. Chloe's breathing has already evened out. "Goodnight, Chlo."

/

Over the next few months, they tick off other things on Chloe's bucket list. They go for a midnight dip in the Pacific ocean, spend a whole day volunteering at an animal shelter, get up early enough to watch the sunrise and act list tourists in their own city.

Beca also teaches her to become familiar with a guitar and the different chords. Chloe catches on pretty quickly given her own musical background, and manages to play an entire song in a few days' time.

It's only natural for Beca to tick off some things off her own bucket list, too. The first item on her list, to be more accurate.

It's on the walk home from a romantic dinner in a restaurant they have wanted to try for a while that the words tumble out.

The sky is clear and twinkling with hundreds of stars, a rare occurrence in Los Angeles. Such a rare wonder, that Chloe tugs on Beca's hand to stop her and cranes her neck to look at them, captivated by the painted sky.

Beca finds herself unable to tear her eyes away from the woman who holds her heart and barely has time to register the words on her tongue; they echo in her ears, cutting through the silence.

"Marry me,"

She feels Chloe's entire body tense through the link of their hands as her gaze snaps to Beca, shock written all over it.

"Beca," Chloe murmurs, blinking twice in slow succession. Beca can't quite place her tone. She feels her heart thud in her chest, each beat harder as long seconds of silence tick by. Eventually, Chloe adds, "I-I can't marry you."

An acid taste settles on Beca's mouth as her eyebrows knit together. Never has she imagined Chloe _rejecting_ her. "W-why not?"

Chloe opens her mouth to say something just as a group of people passes by them, chattering loudly and making her falter. She pulls Beca to the side, to stand next to a building, away from minor traffic.

"Because-" Chloe's voice is small and hesitant over the next few words, and Beca can't blame her. The term itself holds enough power, even uttered as a whisper. "Because that will make you a _widow_...no one wants to be a widow before they've even turned thirty. You-you deserve better than that title."

"Hey," Beca prompts quietly, reaching out to tilt Chloe's chin up. Her eyes are glistening, and the distress flashing in them makes Beca's toes curl in the sole of her shoes. Her hand moves to hold Chloe's jaw while the other curls around her hip-bone, tugging her closer. Thankfully, Chloe doesn't show any resistance, her hands moving up to rest over the lapels of Beca's leather jacket. "I don't care about that. What I care about, is how I want to be yours and for you to be mine. Officially. I want to be bound to you forever. Before, before you-"

Beca's words die in her throat, not able to make the leap past the lump collecting there at the mere thought of Chloe passing away. Chloe's expression turns perplexed and the sudden realization that she may think Beca's asking her to marry her _because_ she's dying sends a rush of panic down the brunette's limbs. She berate herself for her poor choice of wording and wracks her brain to solve it.

"That's not-" she sighs in frustration, closing her eyes for a beat as she gathers her thoughts. "I... I wanted to ask you the week-the week you fainted. I had planned something and had the ring for so long but chickened out a few times. I don't know why, I guess part of me was scared you'd say no."

At that, Chloe lets out a tiny laugh, features relaxing as she shakes her head, looking at Beca with slight bewilderment, but mostly, obvious love in her eyes, silently letting Beca know that would _never_ happen if it weren't for their challenging situation.

"I had planned to make you dinner, here, in our home and... yeah. Ask you to be my wife because... You are my best friend, my partner in crime and most importantly, my _person_. It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that our time together is... numbered. It was bound to happen at some point and I can't-"

There's a sob at the edge of Beca's throat, on the edge of barreling out of her mouth like a wrecking ball, but she manages to swallow it back whole. "I can't let you _go_ without you knowing this. That- that what I feel for you; that overwhelming love I hold for you in every fiber of my being is _never_ going to away. You will always be with me," her hold moves away from Chloe's hip to take one of Chloe's hand and shift it to the spot over her heart. "Here," she then moves it to the side of her head, against her temple. "And here."

Pressing a kiss to the hollow of Chloe's wrist, Beca lets out a shuddering breath, one mixed with many emotions battling for dominance. "Marry me. Make me the happiest and proudest person to walk on this earth by accepting to become my wife."

Chloe closes her eyes for a beat as Beca holds her breath, white noise filling her ears. A few tears streak down Chloe's cheeks, salty against Beca's lips when Chloe surges forward and kisses her.

"Okay."

Beca smiles, brushing her thumb over the back of Chloe's hand.

"Yeah?"

"Yes. I want to be your wife and for you to be mine," Chloe's grin is bright as she nods over and over again. Beca can feel the happiness radiating off Chloe's body, mirroring her own, and it manages to piece her heart back together. "Of _course_ I do."

"I love you," Beca mouths, closing her eyes to try and etch this moment in her memory. Her right hand tangles in Chloe's red curls, now almost shoulder length, to fuse their mouths together. They trade languid kisses, oblivious to the fact that they are standing in the street, tucked away in their own bubble.

Beca lets out a watery laugh when they break apart to draw air back into their lungs.

"I never thought I would say this, but I'm so glad you burst into my shower stall that day."

Chloe giggles, shoulders shaking lightly as her head rests against Beca's. "I _knew_ it."

"You weirdo," Beca adds, and she knows the glint in Chloe's eye is no longer from fear, but from joy. It stirs something in her stomach and somehow makes the ache of the dreading months to come seem smaller, almost bearable.

At least for tonight.

/

"What's this?" Chloe asks, step faltering by the door. She casts her eyes down to the two suitcases by Beca's feet with a raised eyebrow.

"Is your passport still in the office drawer?" To that, Chloe nods, the hint of a smile playing at the corner of her lips as she bounces on the balls of her feet slightly, hanging onto Beca's words. "Go get it, then. We're going away."

" _What!_ Where?!"

Beca tuts, biting her bottom lip to hold back in her grin upon seeing Chloe's features light up like a child's at Christmas. She fails. "That's for me to know and for you to find out. Don't worry, I packed accordingly."

/

"I do."

The gentle breeze waves through Beca's hair and Chloe reaches out to catch a runaway strand, tucking it back behind Beca's ear just before she takes a step closer. Beca meets her in the middle, capturing Chloe's mouth in a soft kiss; their first as a married couple.

Chloe's lips are warm against hers, a contrast to the cool sand her feet are buried in and the fresh ocean air running over her skin, goosebumps raising in its wake.

Beca feels a sudden rush of unparalleled love burn through her veins, and her chest expand to be able to accommodate it. She smiles against Chloe's mouth, letting out a breathy laugh as they part, lips already pursuing Chloe's for another kiss.

They remain on the beach after the ceremony, Chloe nestled in the safety of Beca's embrace. The sun is about to dip into the sea, its burning orange blending with the light pink swirls of the skies. Beca tucks the blanket tighter around hers and Chloe's body as if it were a cocoon shielding them from the outside world and its harsh reality.

She kisses Chloe's shoulder and tucks her chin in the crook of her neck.

Chloe's content sigh makes her heart flutter. She wishes she could press pause and make this moment last longer.

Make it last forever.

/

Over the next few days of their Mexican honeymoon, they swim with turtles, relax at the beach while sipping margaritas or enjoy massages at their resort.

They are caught under pouring rain one night while walking back to their hotel after eating out. They both squeal and run to the nearest door recess they can find, one that is wide enough to accommodate them both.

It's so tiny that Beca has to press herself against Chloe as close as she can to avoid being drenched. She buries her face in the crook of Chloe's neck, blowing puffs of warm air against her skin as she catches her breath. Chloe's arms around her shoulder hold her close while hers snake around her waist, absent-mindedly drawing tiny circles along the small of her back as they wait for the weather to settle down.

They end up staying there for long minutes, trading a few kisses here and there and Chloe threatening to push Beca out into the rain when she tickles the sensitive dip of her waist one too many times.

When they step back onto the curb, Chloe is smiling, and Beca knows exactly why; the smell of rain in the summer is one of the little things she enjoys about life.

"Let's dance," she tells Beca, waving their fingers together.

Beca raises an eyebrow, briefly glancing at their surroundings. It's fairly late and a week-night; the streets are nearly deserted and silent, save from the faint guitar melody coming from the restaurant across the road. " _Here_?"

"Yes," Chloe says with a mischievous twinkle in her eye as she nibbles on her bottom lip.

Beca makes a show of rolling her eyes. She doesn't know why she even bothers, because she can't really pretend being annoyed around Chloe anymore. It stopped being credible somewhere during her first year at Barden.

"Ugh, fine."

Before Chloe can make any move, Beca flawlessly twirls her around, tugging Chloe's body flush against hers. A delighted and surprised sound leaves Chloe's throat as she loops her arms around Beca's neck, while Beca's wrap around her waist loosely.

"Smooth," Chloe appreciates with an impressed look, fingers playing a rhythm along the back of Beca's neck.

As they sway gently in the middle of the quiet street, Chloe leans in to kiss Beca slowly. The gentle glide of Chloe's lips against hers radiates warmth throughout Beca's body.

"I love you, wifey."

Beca smiles, closing her eyes as she allows the words to sink in and leave fingertips on her heart. She kisses Chloe again, and again, only stopping when breathing becomes a necessity.

"I love you, too. So fucking much."

When light droplets of rain start to fall over them once more, drawing their dancing-mantra to an end, Beca dips Chloe gently. She giggles, the musical sound echoing somewhere deep within Beca.

She wants to remember that sound forever, to place it into a special drawer in her mind dedicated to the love of her life.

To be able to open that drawer whenever she feels like the ache is too overwhelming.

To be able to remember her wife forever.

"Where'd you go?" Chloe asks her, tilting her head to the side with a curious expression. Her eyes are wide and sparkling, and Beca feels like she might lose her footing with how deeply she is falling into the blues staring back at her.

Beca shakes herself out of her daze and straightens, offering Chloe a small smile, and a light kiss to the side of her head. "Nowhere important."

She wills herself to remain in the present, where Chloe is, and make the most of what little time they have left together.

Because she knows perfectly well that she will never, _ever_ be okay in her life again when Chloe is no longer a part of it.

/

"Mitchell! Come play!" Stacie calls out over her shoulder, martini glass in hand and sunglasses over her eyes.

Beca clears her throat, hastily wiping the tears away from her cheeks. "I'll be there in a minute."

Of course, Stacie doesn't buy that. She sets her drink on the table and walks to where Beca is sitting on a step a hundred yards away from the volley-ball match.

A few days after their wedding, Beca surprised Chloe by flying all the Bellas in to their resort in Mexico. The group of friends spent the last few days exploring the peninsula as Chloe assured them she felt relatively well to be able to engage in light physical activities.

She sleeps more and her body takes longer in the mornings to agree to get up but she didn't want to let that prevent her from spending time with her best friends.

"You alright?"

Beca wants to roll her eyes, but manages to keep a straight face and bite back the obviousness of the answer to that question.

"I just need a moment," Beca supplies instead, eyes settling on Chloe as she laughs with their friends. She looks absolutely beautiful, and happy, even though the glow in her skin and the sparkle in her eye aren't what they once were.

So much sunshine held in one person, yet not enough to chase away the looming black cloud over her head.

Beca's jaw tightens until her teeth begin to hurt as she tries to hold back a wave of fresh tears. "Dammit."

The arm that Stacie cautiously wraps around her shoulders doesn't help Beca in keeping her emotions in check. No, it has the opposite effect. She comes undone as silently as she can, not to draw any unnecessary attention to her.

Especially Chloe's, who is having such a good time surrounded by her Bellas and would be heartbroken to witness Beca in such a state.

"I don't know how to do this," Beca mumbles, once she's regained some sort of composure. She shakes her head as she glances at Chloe, who is laughing at herself upon missing the volley-ball entirely. "She's everything to me. She's my life... I... I feel complete when I'm with her and empty when we're apart."

Beca dips her head down, inhaling shakily.

"How am I supposed to do this? Live without her? It's not-it's not _fair_."

She eventually turns to look at Stacie, who looks as though she is about to break down herself, and Beca swallows guiltily. She only realizes now that all the Bellas are going to lose one of their best friends, too.

"I'm sorry," Stacie says after a while, voice raw and honest. "Nothing I say can make this fucked-up situation any better. It isn't fair and you have every right to be mad at the world." She pauses, reaching out to cover Beca's hand. "But wallowing over Chloe's fate won't change anything, except regretting all the time wasted on feeling angry when we -you- need to make the most of it now, before it's too late." Stacie takes a deep breath, offering Beca's hand a squeeze. "So let's dry our tears and get our asses up to enjoy this party, yeah?"

Beca nods several times as she releases a strangled breath. She swipes both cheeks with the back of her hands. "Yeah."

After a quick trip to the bathroom to fix her face a little bit more, Beca is welcomed to the volleyball field with a squeal and a hug from her wife. She announces Beca will be middle blocker (whatever that means) and prompts her to get into position with a swat of her hand to Beca's butt.

Somehow, their team -Chloe, Beca, Jessica, Fat Amy and Emily- manage to win against their opponents -Aubrey, Stacie, Cynthia-Rose, Ashley, Flo and Lily-. Chloe, ever the competitive one, throws her fist up and tackles Beca into a hug that knocks the air out of her lungs.

Beca chuckles and wraps her arms around her, accepting the full kiss Chloe gives her while blindly flipping off the mock-disgruntled sounds made by their friends (well, mostly by Fat Amy, she guesses. It sounds as though the rest of them are gushing over the PDA).

Reality catches up with Chloe's body later that night, after days of acting as though she wasn't sick. Chloe skips dinner to turn in early, and sleeps for fourteen hours straight, waking up the next morning unable to get up or eat anything, her whole system weakened by the last few days' energetic spell.

She sleeps most of the day and Beca decides, as it stretches to an end, to arrange to have their flight home pushed ahead. She's looking for the airline contact info while Chloe is cuddled against her side, waving in and out of slumber.

"I want to go home," Chloe says quietly just as Beca dials the airline number. Beca wouldn't have heard her if it weren't from the puff of breath against her neck when Chloe spoke. Beca glances at her, the lack of life in Chloe's eyes and the paleness of her skin momentarily altering her breathing. "To my folks'. Can we-" a painful wheeze squeezes Beca's heart. Chloe's lung capacity is permanently damaged from the pneumonia, causing her breathing to sound wheezy when she's exhausted. "can we do that?"

And right then, Beca knows Chloe's weeks, perhaps even _days_ , are numbered.

She nods faintly, setting her phone down for a second to push Chloe's hair from her forehead and press her lips just above her eyebrow. She feels Chloe lean into her and inhales sharply to prevent her voice from giving away her gut-wrenching heartache.

"Of course, love."

When Chloe falls back asleep, Beca stands up and leaves the room to call Chloe's mom and tell her they will be on the next flight out. She speaks with Chloe's doctor to arrange medical monitoring once in Oregon, and finally, contacts her boss to let her know she needs to extend her leave.

/

Once in Chloe's hometown, they take short strolls every day; in the forest, along the beach, making the most of those pleasant autumn days. They play board games while drinking fine wine in the evenings and reminisce about Chloe's childhood with her parents and brother, looking through photo albums and telling stories.

As the weeks progress, along with the cancer, Beca finds it difficult to sleep. The machine Chloe is hooked to during the night to help her breathe keeps her wide awake. Or perhaps it's the fact that she doesn't dare falling asleep because she's afraid Chloe might pass during the night, on her own.

After tossing and turning for the umpteeth time, Beca heavies out a sigh.

She catches the steady rise and fall of Chloe's chest and it manages to settle her wariness. Kissing Chloe's shoulder, she gets out of bed then quietly pads downstairs. She's surprised to see light flooding the kitchen area.

Chloe's mother is nursing a cup of coffee and gives her a sad, knowing smile upon seeing Beca, already moving to get a cup out of the cupboard. Beca has seen her just a handful of times, but the older woman considered her as family from their first meeting.

She's warm and generous like her daughter. Or rather, Chloe got those traits from her.

"Thanks," Beca mumbles, sliding the mug filled with steaming coffee towards her and curving both hands around the warm ceramic.

"Can't sleep?"

"No, not really."

"Me neither."

Catherine sighs, running a hand over her face. Her features look tired and worn. Beca guesses hers look just about the same, but she hasn't dared glancing in the mirror lately. They spend a few minutes in silence, until the older woman speaks.

"I'm glad she has you, you know. I remember when she first met you; she couldn't shut up about how talented you were and how you were making the Bellas better. I could tell whenever she called that she was smitten with you. When I saw you two interact at your graduation, I realized how in love with you she was and also how clueless you both were."

Beca laughs curtly at that, because Chloe's mother assessment couldn't be more true. They were both in love with one another, but completely oblivious to the other's feelings, and too scared to take the leap. She regrets it now; not being able to confess her feelings for Chloe when they first emerged. It would have given them more years together as a couple, years that Beca had taken for granted all this time.

"But I had to let her figure it out on her own. When you finally got together over that summer, she called me the same evening and told me how _happy_ she was."

Beca bites her tongue to keep herself from telling the other woman to stop. The words are unleashing a storm of repressed feelings in her stomach. She clears her throat, willing her voice to remain steady.

"Your daughter makes me very happy. The happiest I've been in my life, actually. You've raised an amazing human being, Catherine."

Chloe's mom reaches across the table to squeeze her hand, eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Thank you, honey."

The affectionate gesture and emotional expression on Chloe's mom's face is enough to make Beca cave and give in to the suffocating ache pressing against her ribs. Burying her face in her hands, she starts to sob silently, shoulders shaking and quivering under all the weight they have had to carry lately.

She registers Catherine holding her and whispering reassuring words in her ear. Beca suddenly feels stupid and guilty about breaking down in front of Chloe's mom.

"I'm sorry," she shudders, squaring her shoulders and gritting her teeth together to try and glue the dam back together. "You shouldn't have to comfort me, Chloe is your _daughter._ "

She knows Catherine knows what she means by that. That she knows her grief will be just as great as Beca's, if not greater.

Because no parent should ever have to witness their children die.

/

"Bec?"

Beca hums, transferring her focus from the pages of her book to Chloe, who is cuddled by her side as they sit on the porch swing. She runs her fingers up and down Chloe's arm in acknowledgement. "Yeah, baby?"

"Could-could you give me a minute with my parents and James?"

Beca pauses and swallows painfully, taking in Chloe's paleness. Her lips are dried and chapped, and her eyes have lost their light. She nods, words not reaching her tongue. Laying a kiss on Chloe's eyebrow, Beca stands up on shaky legs and walks inside the house to call for Chloe's parents.

She remains in the living-room, alternating between pacing across the tile floor and sitting on the couch, face buried in her hands. The sliding bay window opens after a few minutes, Chloe's dad and brother James walking back inside the house. James doesn't acknowledge Beca and makes a bee-line to the front door, letting it slam behind him.

"Chloe is asking for you," Chloe's dad tells her, eyes bloodshot and puffy. He gives Beca's shoulder an encouraging squeeze on her way out. Chloe's mother is nowhere in sight when she steps back onto the porch.

"Hey," she calls out cautiously, resuming to her spot next to Chloe. Her wife smiles weakly, immediately snuggling back into Beca's side. She ends up curled in Beca's lap, head resting in the crook of her neck and Beca kicks the floor to get the swing to rock at a slow rhythm as she wraps an arm around Chloe's back. "Are you hurting?"

Chloe gives her a slight shake of the head. She visibly struggles to swallow. "No, not too much."

Chloe's hand leaves her own lap, fingers curling around excess fabric of Beca's shirt, something she has been doing a lot lately. Beca covers Chloe's hand with her own, sliding down her wrist and up her bicep until it's cupping Chloe's face gently.

Chloe smiles, leaning into the touch as she closes her eyes. Tears slip out of them, silently running over Chloe's skin, curling around her chin and dripping over her lap.

"Thank you for giving me the best years of my life," Chloe whispers, leaning forward to rest her forehead against Beca's. "You've made me so, _so_ happy. And I feel like the luckiest person alive to call you my wife."

Beca tries to swallow the thickness forming at the back of her throat. She dips in to kiss Chloe slowly, languidly, their tears blending together over the curves of their lips. Chloe's hold on her shirt tightens, keeping her close for a moment longer, keeping her alive.

"I love you," Beca croaks out when they part, placing a kiss on Chloe's forehead, nose, both cheeks and mouth. The end seems so near, and Beca isn't ready to let go just yet. She grips Chloe's wrist and kisses her palm, chasing after the few seconds or minutes left. A sob catches in her throat and ripples through her entire body. "God, I love you so _much_."

Chloe's lids slip shut, the ghost of a smile tugging at her lips.

"And I, you." She settles back against Beca, fingers splayed out over her abdomen. Each wheeze sounds a bit more ragged than the previous one; too short and weak to provide Chloe's lungs with the air they need. "Can you sing something?"

Beca finds it in herself to smile fondly. Of course Chloe would want a song. She drops a kiss into Chloe's hair, letting her lips linger as she feels Chloe's thumb rub over her shirt-covered stomach.

She isn't sure when Chloe's last breath leaves her body, but lyrics keep pouring out of Beca's heart, until it's drowning under the first wave of grief.

She holds Chloe's body tight against her own one last time before they take it away from her forever.

Beca remains on the swing, eyes dried out from shedding too many tears. Knees clutched to her chest and eyes fastened on thin air, she's oblivious to the night steadily falling around her.

She registers being carried inside and tucked into bed in the guest-bedroom. She registers her eyes falling shut against her will.

She's afraid of waking up in the morning and realizing that none of this was a nightmare; that everything might be true and Chloe really gone.

/

Beca doesn't speak at the funeral.

She's unable to put a word after another without feeling as though her entire world as she knew it has just crumbled to pieces. Which, in a way, it did. Because Chloe was her entire universe, her other-half, her soulmate.

It's a beautiful day, graced with unexpected warmth. Beca figures it has to do with Chloe's sunshine joining the sky.

Chloe's brother James gives a beautiful speech. Catherine's hand never leaves Beca's during the entire service. Chloe's father appears washed-away, eyes locked on the coffin, unblinking.

There are a lot of people attending; family members that Beca hasn't had the chance to meet before, some of Chloe's colleagues and of course, the Bellas. All nine of them. Beca spots Jesse and Benji towards the back and sends them a small, grateful smile.

She stands next to Chloe's parents after service, accepts handshakes, shoulder pats and kind words without really registering any of it.

Her brain feels numb and her chest hollow. Her soul broken and battered beyond anything fixable.

It's not until she sees her father standing in front of her that she feels herself falling and needing to be caught before she crashes to the ground. For the first time in her adult life, she needs her dad more than anything.

Her shoulders shake silently and her knees give out as she rests her weight against her father's body, her hand curling into the lapel of his suit jacket.

He holds her tight and kisses her hair before he leads her outside to the porch; the same porch Chloe was sitting at just three days ago. She refuses to sit on the swing and instead leans against the beam, wrapping her arms around herself as she tries to get ahold of her breathing.

"How did you do it?" she eventually asks with a sniffle, finally glancing at her father. Their relationship has always been complicated, Beca never really forgiving him for falling in love with another woman after her mother's death. "Get over mom's death?"

"I never really did. I still think about her everyday, even though I love Sheila just as much as I did your mom. I still think about how she could be taken away from us- from _you_ \- overnight. And I was a shitty dad after that, I know I was, and I'm so sorry, Beca. For letting the grief drown me and not being there for you as much as I should have."

Beca never thought she would ever say this, but she now knows the pain of losing the person you love the most in the universe. "I get it, now."

She understands, because she can feel the water up to her neck, threatening to fill her lungs until she can't breathe. Threatening to drown her, without her being able to do anything about it, or being willing to do anything to prevent it.

"It will get better with time," her dad says then, but his voice lacks belief over his own words. "It will hurt less after some time. Eventually, the memories won't hurt as much as they do now. And maybe, someday, you will fall in love all over again."

Beca scoffs, glancing down at the scuff of her shoes. She doesn't want to think about that. She doesn't want to think about allowing someone else past the walls now surrounding her heart, someone who would make her feel the way Chloe once did.

She is upset her dad would even broach the subject mere hours after Chloe's body was lowered into the ground.

She knows he means well, but still. Too _fucking_ soon.

"I doubt that's possible."

If he believes the contrary, Warren doesn't say a word. He squeezes his daughter's shoulder and tells her he will give her a minute alone.

Beca remains there a long stretch of time, until Chloe's mother calls her back in, stating that she should come and eat something.

Beca nods, accepting to be swept into a hug that is way too similar to Chloe's. She pulls away shortly after lest she breaks down again, and goes back inside the house, trying to ignore the pitied looks she receives from the people around her.

She knows damn well what they are all thinking.

Barely twenty-eight, and already widowed.

/

Stepping into the apartment she shared with Chloe a few days later is as much of a sucker punch to the gut as it is a surge of the oxygen her lungs have been deprived of since her death.

They left it in a flurry when departing for Mexico two months ago, with the intention of coming back after they eloped.

Beca's fingers tighten around the handle of her suitcase as she stands frozen in the doorway, eyes jumping between pieces of Chloe still scattered around the main room.

Her favorite hoodie (Beca's) thrown over the back of the couch. The book she had been reading before they left, still open and flipped over on the coffee table (because Chloe never used bookmarks, and it drove Beca crazy to see how battered her books would get). Her set of keys, with a keychain from Barden University dangling from it, hanging on a hook on the wall.

Abandoning her suitcase by the door and barely finding the strength to close and lock it behind her, Beca walks mindlessly to the bedroom. She climbs into the bed, still dressed in her jeans, shirt and cardigan, and slips underneath the sheets that still smell like Chloe, clutching Chloe's pillow to her chest as she lets the tears fall and the sobs rip through her body without any intention of stopping the wreck.

She cries until there are not tears left for her eyes to shed, until her eyeballs hurt with each movement.

Eventually, she falls into a dreamless sleep, in the cocoon shaped by Chloe's scent.

/

The pain is excruciating the next morning.

She wakes up alone in their bed for the first time, and for a brief, blissful second of denial, she wonders where Chloe is; if she's out for a run, in the shower or cooking breakfast.

There's no singing or the sizzling of bacon in the pan. Every corner of their home is silent and it's deafening.

The next few days are spent wallowing inside, in Chloe's hoodie, looking at the pictures of the two of them on her phone, playing the videos of Chloe over and over again until her vision is too clouded to continue.

She misses Chloe's laugh, smile and voice. Which leads her to do something the small, still rational part of her brain knows is stupid and will end up hurting more than helping.

Maybe she can blame the bottle of wine she's drained in the last hour.

" _Hi! You've reached Chloe Beale, I'm not available right now, but I will try and get back to you as soon as I can. Bye!"_

Beca inhales shakily, pressing one hand to her eyes while the other clutches the phone to her ear.

"Hey Chlo. It's me. I know I shouldn't be doing this, that it's fucked up but... _fuck_ , I miss you. It's only been a few days but I miss you so much it's difficult to _breathe_. I don't understand why it had to happen to you of all people I... I need you, Chlo. I can't-I can't do this life... thing without you. Please come back. Please-"

The beeping noise signaling her message has reached its maximum length a few seconds later snaps her back to reality. A cry finds its way out of her throat as she drops her phone in the cushion of the couch.

She rocks back and forth, legs tucked underneath her and face buried in her hands.

It's only when the sun rises that Beca curls in her bed to try and find some sleep, simply because she doesn't think she can face the day.

She thinks that, maybe, it would be easier to die.

/

The pounding in her head is insistent, pressing against the headache spreading from every part of her brain and meeting in the middle, threatening to split her skull into two.

Beca groans, rolling onto her back as her eyes blink to adjust to the light flooding the room. The noise intensifies, and it's only then that she realizes it's coming from the door and not the alcohol she's consumed last night.

She stands up, gripping the headboard as her surroundings sway dangerously for a stretch. Once she is more or less sure her head is screwed on straight, she shuffles towards the door, eyes squinting against the flood of natural light.

Stacie is standing on the other side, arms laden with various things and grocery bags on each shoulder. Her expression softens when Beca comes into view.

"What do you want?" she mutters, stepping aside to let Stacie through. "Please don't ask me how I'm holding up, because that's not a valid question."

"I wasn't going to." Stacie's eyes are understanding and soft. She frowns only once she's assessed Beca's state. "How long has it been since you last showered?"

Beca shrugs, pushing the door shut and spinning around to face her friend. "Dunno."

"Ate?"

Beca shrugs again.

"Okay. I'll cook you something."

"Stace," Beca sighs, burying her hands into the pockets of Chloe's Barden hoodie. "As much as I appreciate you being here and trying to cheer me up, I'd rather be alone."

Stacie gives her a puzzled look. "Cheer you up?" She shakes her head. "What you are going through is not something someone can just _cheer_ you out of."

She tentatively lies a hand over Beca's shoulder and Beca fights hard not to shrug it away. Shoulder pats give her flashbacks to Chloe's funeral.

"No, I'm here to make sure you don't starve yourself. Because I care about you, and because Chloe would kick our asses for not looking out for you. You can pretend I'm not here while I cook, you can go back to bed and ignore I was ever here. I'd advise you take a shower though, because you stink. And I honestly think it would feel nice."

Beca blinks, then nods and drags herself back to the bedroom. She spends a long time under the shower, mainly because the tears don't feel like real ones when they blend with the water and vanish down the drain, as if they were never there.

She sleeps the rest of the day off, waking up seven hours later, surrounded by darkness.

When she comes out of the bedroom, Stacie is gone. Her apartment is clear of the empty wine and beer bottles that were littering the living-room. Her fridge is full of tupperwares labeled with the days of the week and the freezer is equally full of homemade meals. She figures Stacie must have spend the whole day here to make them, and Beca feels grateful.

Cracking open a bottle of beer, she indulges herself to a few bites of macaroni and cheese heated up in the microwave. She puts the TV on without watching it, just to have something to fill the white noise. She can't stand the silence.

After one too many beers, she leaves another voicemail to Chloe and crookedly falls asleep on the couch in the early hours, just as the sun peaks above the horizon.

/

The Bellas check up on her in their own way over the following weeks. Stacie is the most present one, because she and Aubrey are the only ones living in LA.

She comes every two days to make sure Beca's fridge is always filled up with healthy stuff and brew enough coffee to last the day.

Amy takes care of the electricity and water bills, and Beca discovers a while later through Chloe's parents that she even paid for all the funeral expenses.

Emily sends her thoughtful messages every day to let Beca know she's in her thoughts. Beca doesn't reply to any of them, but every word helps a little.

Jessica and Ashley send her packages full of pampering products, flavored herbal teas or fairtrade coffee.

Cynthia-Rose, Flo and Lily fly in three weeks after the funeral to help Beca write and send thank-you notes to the people who attended the service, as well as take care of anything administrative such as canceling Chloe's subscriptions to magazines and brands so they don't come in the mail. Beca doesn't let them cancel Chloe's phone subscription though, and she's grateful when they don't question her motives.

Aubrey however, hasn't shown up or called and Beca hasn't reached out either. It takes a while for her to realize that Aubrey lost her best friend, and must be hurting a great amount, too.

"How's Aubrey doing?" she asks Stacie one day over lunch, exactly forty-one days since Chloe's death. Her appetite has returned, and her sleeping rhythm is a bit healthier, but the pain is still very present and incredibly great.

Stacie sighs, setting her fork down. She shrugs, and her eyes are sad when she looks up.

"I don't really know. She doesn't talk to me. Hasn't really, since we came back from- from Oregon. She threw herself into work the minute we got home. I'm not surprised that it's her coping mechanism. She just... she doesn't let me hold her, even when she cries at night," There are tears pooling in Stacie's eyes and Beca watches as she tries to do her best not to let them fall, for her sake, probably. "Shit, I'm sorry, I shouldn't be crying in front of y-"

Beca lies a hand over Stacie to interrupt her. "It's- it's okay. Chloe," the name, coupled with the past tense is still met with resistance, "was your friend and Aubrey's best friend. I know that if-if the roles were reversed, I would find it unbearable not being able to comfort Chloe."

Stacie nods, reaching out to wipe her tears away. She clears her throat. "I should uh, I should go get you some food after lunch. You're running out."

"I... I think I might come with. I feel ready to go outside, just for a little while."

Stacie smiles. "That sounds good."

Beca's hope of powering through a trip to the grocery shop is short lived when she finds herself in the candy aisle, eyes fastened on a pack of red skittles, unable to tear themselves away.

She thinks about how Chloe always gave her the orange ones because she didn't like them, and how her lips and tongue tasted like blended fruits when they kissed afterwards.

A bolt of nostalgia hits her right there, shooting right into her heart, and the onslaught of emotions is too powerful to be reigned in. Beca registers her knees hitting the floor, and long arms wrapping around her torso, pulling her into an embrace. She registers words being whispered in her ear and briefly remembers the walk home.

She eventually quits her job before they fire her, and focuses on songwriting, trading ideas with Emily over the phone or on Skype.

Weeks morph into months without her really acknowledging it, and soon it's been a year since that fateful day. Beca flies to Portland, rents a car to Chloe's hometown and spends an hour with Chloe's parents over coffee before she drives to the cemetery.

 **Chloe Beale**

 _Beloved wife and daughter_

 _June 7, 1990 – October 4, 2020_

"Hey Chlo," she whispers, pressing her lips to her fingers before laying them on the cool headstone. She catches the glint of her wedding band under the sunshine and smiles. Lying the bouquet of lilies on the headstone, Beca then sets her guitar on the grass and sits down next to it. She hugs her knees to her upper-body and releases a deep, shuddering breath. "I can't believe it's already been a year. It feels surreal. Surreal that you are not here anymore and surreal that I've managed to get through a year without you."

Her throat shrinks down, trapping her voice somewhere she can't reach. She inhales sharply, wincing at the familiar pressure on her chest and waits for a beat or two before resuming.

"I miss you. I miss you so _fucking_ much. I miss your laugh and your smile and your dorkiness. I miss you calling me out for being a sap or scolding me for leaving the toothpaste uncapped. It doesn't really get easier. The memories they... they hurt. Some days I expect you to walk through the door. Sometimes when I wake up, there's a part of me that hopes all of this was just a terrifying nightmare." She wipes her cheeks, but it's useless as fresh tears replace the ones gone. "Our friends have been amazing, though, they go lengths to make sure I don't drown."

She tells Chloe about her year, and about each Bella, because she knows Chloe would like to know every detail. She tells her about Stacie and Aubrey's engagement, and how she's going to be Stacie's maid of honor. How Chloe would have been Aubrey's if she were still here.

"I-I've been writing songs. Thirteen of them, to be exact. All about you and how you are the best thing that ever happened to me. About how hard it is to live without you. It helped me to heal a little bit, to get some sort of closure. I don't know what I'm going to do with them, if I want to show them to somebody, if it's even worth releasing, or if I want to keep them just for you and I; sacred."

She picks up her guitar, looping the strap over her shoulder, and clears her throat.

"Emily helped a lot here and there for melody arrangements. She hasn't heard the finished versions though, I wanted you to be the first one to hear them."

Beca spends the rest of the afternoon singing all thirteen songs, taking breaks here and there when the emotions make it too hard to keep going.

When the sun sets and darkness steadily falls around her, Beca stands, going through the same ritual as before.

"I love you with all my heart, Chlo. Always."

When she gets back to LA, she gets a tattoo in memory of Chloe; a small, minimalist forget-me-not, Chloe's favorite flower, nestled against her ribs on her left side. It's the flowers she got Chloe on their first date, because they reminded Beca of her eyes.

She decides to start wearing her wedding ring on a chain around her neck, closer to her heart, where Chloe will always belong.

/

It's been fourteen months.

Never a day goes by without her mind jumping back to Chloe.

Her smile, her eyes, her heart.

Life slowly got back on track now. Beca works part-time for another label and spends the rest of her free time working on her own songs.

Beca stares at herself in the mirror, smoothing a hand over her tight fitting shirt. Her coworkers convinced her to go out with them.

Surprising even herself, Beca agreed, and is now wondering if she made the right decision. She knows deep down that she needs to get back out there, that she can't keep wallowing in her apartment all day long or in the studio, buried in sheet musics and mixing programs.

It's been _fourteen_ fucking months.

Once at the club, Beca keeps the drinks coming. She dances, _a lot_.

Her brain becomes blurry after one too many beers and the shot she has just downed. She's fully aware of the body grinding into her back, and loses herself in the rhythm of their hips, pressing harder, seeking for more.

Seeking for comfort or release, Beca doesn't know.

She just knows she wants more.

When she and the other woman -blonde, tall and incredibly attractive- stumble in Beca's apartment, liplocked, Beca tries not to let her thoughts catch up with her on how wrong this feels.

The woman's -Kelly, if Beca recalls correctly- lips simply don't feel right against her own and her hands feel foreign as they grip Beca's hips.

Beca pushes through nonetheless, feeling like maybe, she _has_ to.

Maybe she needs this to feel normal again.

As her back meets the mattress, her one-night-stand hovering above her, Beca starts to feel her chest constrict. It squeezes her lungs to the point where breathing becomes a difficulty. Anxiety overpowers the thrilling desire that was pumping through her veins mere minutes ago, chasing away any trace of alcohol; any trace of this purchased freedom from grief.

Kelly is sucking at her neck, seemingly encouraged by the gasps leaving Beca's mouth. Beca pushes at her roughly and squirms from underneath her to get away. She sits on the floor, her back resting against the side of the bed as she struggles to breathe.

"What the hell?" Kelly asks, standing at the foot of the bed, confusion etched across her face. Her expression softens when she takes in Beca's distress. "Did I-did I do something wrong?"

Beca shakes her head, tears rolling down her cheeks with the same quietness. She presses the heel of her palm to her forehead, trying to block out the images flickering in front of her lids.

Chloe, Chloe, Chloe. Her presence is too strong yet too weak; too real, yet not at all.

"Please leave."

"Should I call someone? I don't feel right leaving you when you're clearly not okay."

The compassion only makes things worse. It sounds too much like Chloe, and Beca doesn't need that right now. She feels as though her head might explode any minute now, assaulted by all the memories all at once.

"Just leave. _Please_."

The second she hears the front door shut, uncontrolled sobs spill out her mouth. Beca tucks her head between her elbows, eyes screwing shut as she rocks back and forth.

"Please come back," she croaks out in the depth of the night, addressing Chloe for the first time in months. "Why did you leave me!? I _need_ you."

Anger boils inside her chest as she bangs her fists against the floor. She's angry at the world, angry at herself, angry at Chloe.

She doesn't deserve any of this. She is just twenty-nine years old, yet her heart has been broken beyond repair. And it's not _fucking_ fair.

/

After much convincing from her friends, Beca decides to contact labels and pitch her songs. What happens next is slightly surreal and hard to grasp.

She signs a contract, her vocals are canned and she's suddenly getting dolled-up for a photoshoot for the cover of her album.

Her _album_.

On the release date, the response is unparalleled and unlike anything Beca has ever expected to receive. Her social media accounts gain hundreds, perhaps thousands of followers overnight. She gets her own Wikipedia page. She is floored by messages from the Bellas, her father and Chloe's family.

Aubrey's message is the one that gets to her the most. The two haven't spoken much since Chloe's funeral eighteen months ago. Chloe was the one who brought them together, she was their link. Now that she is gone, the two have little in common and little to share.

So Beca is surprised when she sees Aubrey's name pop up on her screen one evening as she lies in bed, signaling an email. She's even more surprised to see a video attached.

 _Hi, Beca._

 _I know we haven't been in touch much, but I just wanted to say congratulations. You deserve it all. I remember what Chloe told me after your audition back at Barden. She said that we should watch out for you, that you were going to make it big. She was right, just like for most things._

 _When we were in Mexico, she gave me this video, telling me to show it to you when you got your album released. Somehow she knew. I didn't watch it. It's meant for you, you only._

 _Maybe we can catch up someday over a cup of coffee. I know I'd like that._

 _Love,_

 _Aubrey._

Beca puffs out a shaky breath as she sits up, thumb hovering above the screen without daring touching it. The frozen image of the video tells her it's one of Chloe, one that she has never seen before and she's scared of the emotions it might unleash, the ones she has managed to get a grasp on over the last few months.

Eventually, she presses play. The impact is immediate, tears clouding her vision as Chloe comes to life on the screen.

" _Hi baby!"_ Chloe's smile is bright. Her hair is shoulder-length, blowing in the wind as she sits outside under the palm trees. " _If you're watching this video, it means two things; that you've reached the top, and that I am not there to do this in person; telling you how proud of you I am."_ Chloe pauses just as Beca's tears topple over the rim of her eyes to streak down her cheeks. " _I... there was never a doubt in my mind that you would show the world just how talented you are, someday. I'm so happy it happened, and I wish you the best of the best. I am, and will always be your number one fan."_ She watches Chloe take a deep, shaky breath and does the same, only for it to get stuck in her throat. " _I love you, Superstar. I love you so, so much. Know that wherever I am now, that will_ **never** _change."_

When the video comes to an end with Chloe blowing a kiss towards the camera, Beca plays it over and over, letting Chloe's voice lull her to sleep.

/

She wins two grammys the following year. One for Best Song, and another for Best Artist of the year.

It feels so surreal that Beca expects to wake up from all of it soon. Her tone is clipped with emotion as she accepts her award, especially the moment she dedicates it to Chloe, thanking her for believing in her all these years, even when Beca didn't.

The rising fame and awards don't change her much.

She's still Beca Mitchell, socially challenged and awkward. Still broken-hearted over Chloe's death and no amount of success or fame is going to make that go away.

She goes on a few dates, here and there, carefully selecting them: no red hair, blue eyes or lilac perfume; nothing that would risk merging these passing lovers into the love of her life.

After another meaningless one-night-stand, which brings more heartache once it's over, she throws herself into work and releases another album a year after the first one.

It still bleeds with heartache, but with subtle touches of healing here and there.

/

Three years have passed. Chloe is still as present as ever in her mind, heart and soul.

With time though, the pain weakened in intensity; the memories hurt a little bit less, and Beca has started to appreciate all the amazing years she got to spend in the presence of Chloe Beale instead of resenting the ones taken away from her.

"Yes, Stacie, I'll be there for the Bella reunion," Beca says, rolling her eyes as she pulls the car into park. "I have to let you go, just arrived at the studio. Talk soon!"

She opens the door and climbs out of the vehicule, body freezing after a few steps along the sidewalk.

The familiar scent of the summer rain invades her nostrils and makes the drawer safely tucked away in one part of her brain spill open.

Memories come barging in in a tangled mess. Mosaics of Chloe flit through her brain and arrange themselves in a puzzle; her mischievous smile, her dazzling eyes, her cute dimples.

Beca's eyes slide shut. She lets her head fall back and inhales deeply as she reminisces about that night in Mexico. The deserted street, the soft music playing in the background, Chloe's fingertips playing along her neck.

Chloe's laughter echoes in her brain, strumming deep inside of her and causing her heart to soar in her chest.

A sudden warmth across her face makes her look up. Through the dark clouds looming over her head, the faint outline of a sun ray makes its way through, growing stronger with each ticking second.

Determined, fierce, yet so soft and warm, and, oh so familiar.

Beca smiles. For the first time in three years, she thinks that, maybe, possibly, she'll be okay.


End file.
